Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Grand Theft Auto 4

Jack Thompson says it's a game that perpetuates violence. MADD says that it gives the impression that drunk driving is OK. And ladies of the night all around the world charge it with marginalizing the dangers they face every night. Grand Theft Auto 4 (GTA4) might be all of these things, but everyone seems to be missing how much good it also does for society.

Within the game, there is a powerful social relationship system that realistically portrays our own real life dynamics in unerring detail. You can call a list of your virtual friends on your virtual cell phone and enjoy a night on the virtual town at over a dozen virtual activities ranging from bowling to murdering gang-bangers. What people fail to realize is that this provides a platform for shut-ins and social outcasts to (virtually) enjoy what having a real (virtual) relationship with (virtual) friends is like. Of course taking a dude out bowling or to dinner is kinda gay so we'll focus on the (virtual) ladies.

Much like how Casanova was once a librarian, I too categorize, loan out, check in, and reshelve my vast store of knowledge for getting into the pixelated panties of the ladies of Grand Theft Auto 4.

General Tips
  • Rockstar has generously included exact percentages for how much each of your girlfriends like you. This can be accessed from the pause menu, under the "Stats" heading. Blah blah if only in real life, etc.
  • I've found that you can usually get laid at around 75% "like" rating. Brutal commentary by Rockstar on the low self-esteem of video game women.
  • Don't run over your girlfriend in your car when you're on the date. This is very harmful to the exterior of the car, usually leaving a dent or some creepily realistic blood splatters. Also this will usually hurt your chances of getting (virtually) laid.
  • The sex scenes are completely non-graphic and just features moaning. Puritans!
The Line-Up
Unfortunately, I've had to rely on Google Images to look for pictures of the women in the game. Because I'm lazy, I'm just going through the results and using whatever looks remotely female. Be warned these women actually look nothing like their pictures in the game.


  • The first girl you meet once you arrive in America. She's Midwestern, which means that she's plain but cute in the "girl next circuit" way.
  • Part of the story, you'll date her no matter what.
  • Gives it up easy, play a couple of games of bowling with her and you're in.
  • However, she has a dark and terrible secret that doesn't involve being a post-op transsexual.

  • Chose a dude because Kate will never ever ever ever have sex with you so who really cares about her.
  • Also a (useless) part of the story.

  • Meet her by sending her a message on CrapList.
  • Actually kind of funny during your virtual dates and even blogs about you afterwards. A (virtual) woman after my own (real) heart.
  • Make sure you wear the most expensive clothes and steal the most expensive looking cars possible (there's one right around her apartment) because unlike most people, Alexandra can't see what a beautiful person you actually are.
  • Straight up DG.

  • You can find her on LoveMeet as "SoBoHoe".
  • Very annoying. I shot her after the first date.

  • In LoveMeet under "LawChick".
  • She's a law student with lots of white middle-class guilt. Exploit this by coming dressed in the cheapest clothes possible while driving a car you stole from a family of 10 on welfare.
  • As long as you perpetuate the image of being dispossessed by her white Western European society she'll pay all the reparations you want.
  • Plus she can also lower your wanted level with a phone call

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