Monday, May 19, 2008

Hummus Loving Animals

I saw this linked somewhere else and it's pretty hilarious/interesting: Wikipedia's List of birds displaying homosexual behavior and its List of mammals displaying homosexual behavior

Whoever wrote the descriptions is a poet. For example, did you know that
In "slip-and-slide" orgies, groups of male grey whales, one of the oldest species of mammals, roll in the ocean rubbing their bellies against each other so that their genitals are touching.
Of course we're not just talking about hot male-on-male whale orgies. There's also this:
Female kob perform oral sex on each other and even stroke each other's vulvas with their forelegs. They're also into watersports during sex, one female will urinate while the other sticks her nose in the stream.
Other facts:
  • Giraffes are considered "especially gay".
  • Black swans not only sometimes engage in homosexual pairings, but they even do MMF threesomes in order to "obtain eggs". Paris needs to start importing some, stat.
I'll never look at Timon and Puumba the same again.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Baron Davis and Sloan from Entourage made a short film

Posted without comment

This weekend: Gay birds

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Titus Andronicus

I've been listening to Titus Andronicus's new CD: The Airing of Grievances on repeat all day. Two quick notes: "Titus Andronicus" is a Shakespeare play that features ancient Romans and Goth at their best (raping and killing each other, with a Moor thrown in). Second, "The Airing of Grievances" is one of the rites of Festivus. A very entertaining contrast.

I can't write reviews worth poop, so just check out their website and listen to the songs.

Two favorite tracks: "Joset of Nazareth" which jacks the harmonica from Springsteen's "Promised Land" and the eponymous "Titus Andronicus".

Check them out Patterson, I think you'd like them.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Tightening the Dong Supply

From an article in yesterday's Wall Street Journal talking about the Vietnamese economy:
The index's 500 level was broken Monday, clearing the way for a fall to 450, as local investors fretted that the government's measures to tighten money supply have reduced the amount of dong that banks are willing to lend to stock investors.

I should probably grow up.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Grand Theft Auto 4

Jack Thompson says it's a game that perpetuates violence. MADD says that it gives the impression that drunk driving is OK. And ladies of the night all around the world charge it with marginalizing the dangers they face every night. Grand Theft Auto 4 (GTA4) might be all of these things, but everyone seems to be missing how much good it also does for society.

Within the game, there is a powerful social relationship system that realistically portrays our own real life dynamics in unerring detail. You can call a list of your virtual friends on your virtual cell phone and enjoy a night on the virtual town at over a dozen virtual activities ranging from bowling to murdering gang-bangers. What people fail to realize is that this provides a platform for shut-ins and social outcasts to (virtually) enjoy what having a real (virtual) relationship with (virtual) friends is like. Of course taking a dude out bowling or to dinner is kinda gay so we'll focus on the (virtual) ladies.

Much like how Casanova was once a librarian, I too categorize, loan out, check in, and reshelve my vast store of knowledge for getting into the pixelated panties of the ladies of Grand Theft Auto 4.

General Tips
  • Rockstar has generously included exact percentages for how much each of your girlfriends like you. This can be accessed from the pause menu, under the "Stats" heading. Blah blah if only in real life, etc.
  • I've found that you can usually get laid at around 75% "like" rating. Brutal commentary by Rockstar on the low self-esteem of video game women.
  • Don't run over your girlfriend in your car when you're on the date. This is very harmful to the exterior of the car, usually leaving a dent or some creepily realistic blood splatters. Also this will usually hurt your chances of getting (virtually) laid.
  • The sex scenes are completely non-graphic and just features moaning. Puritans!
The Line-Up
Unfortunately, I've had to rely on Google Images to look for pictures of the women in the game. Because I'm lazy, I'm just going through the results and using whatever looks remotely female. Be warned these women actually look nothing like their pictures in the game.


  • The first girl you meet once you arrive in America. She's Midwestern, which means that she's plain but cute in the "girl next circuit" way.
  • Part of the story, you'll date her no matter what.
  • Gives it up easy, play a couple of games of bowling with her and you're in.
  • However, she has a dark and terrible secret that doesn't involve being a post-op transsexual.

  • Chose a dude because Kate will never ever ever ever have sex with you so who really cares about her.
  • Also a (useless) part of the story.

  • Meet her by sending her a message on CrapList.
  • Actually kind of funny during your virtual dates and even blogs about you afterwards. A (virtual) woman after my own (real) heart.
  • Make sure you wear the most expensive clothes and steal the most expensive looking cars possible (there's one right around her apartment) because unlike most people, Alexandra can't see what a beautiful person you actually are.
  • Straight up DG.

  • You can find her on LoveMeet as "SoBoHoe".
  • Very annoying. I shot her after the first date.

  • In LoveMeet under "LawChick".
  • She's a law student with lots of white middle-class guilt. Exploit this by coming dressed in the cheapest clothes possible while driving a car you stole from a family of 10 on welfare.
  • As long as you perpetuate the image of being dispossessed by her white Western European society she'll pay all the reparations you want.
  • Plus she can also lower your wanted level with a phone call

Apologies and Catchy Music

I've been remiss in not posting anything since school ended and for that I apologize to the vacuum.

In penance, I give you two songs that I've listened to lately and are really fucking good. First: "You Me and the Bourgeoisie" here. These guys also made the music for that anti-smoking ad all about PDA. Second: a song proving that not all (half-)Asian rappers are bad.

I'll be back